I hate mornings lately. I'm not quite sure why. The theologian in me thinks each morning is the beginning of a new day, another chance to get out there and make the world a better place. The mom in me believes the same thing.
It's not that I'm lacking quality sleep, most of the time. When the alarm goes off, I wake easily and I don't immediately fall asleep during the 9 minutes until the next alarm. I'm rested and my body is ready and able to be a person, maybe even an adult, for the next 16 or so hours.
Even still, each morning is filled with yucky-ness that I can't quite put my finger on. It sort of feels like fear, regret, shame and sadness. Except those are things I don't subscribe to. My life is great. I have a job that pays me well, I have a house with heat and the internet. I have a husband who tells me every day how beautiful I am. I have a son who works damn hard to be the best kid he can be. I have friends who love me and allow me to contribute to their lives in a meaningful way (thanks for the vocab, Katie!). I'm not a worrier, fear doesn't resonate with me. I regret nothing. I don't look to the past and dwell on things I wish I'd done differently. Nothing I've experienced has been a waste of time or energy. Every season of my life has contributed to providing 35-year-old Erin with this great life. I have done nothing that I am ashamed of. I do the best I can every day and when something goes wrong, I do what I can to fix it.
Even though I don't subscribe to these ideas, there they are. I know there are scores of things on my to-do list yesterday that I chose not to do simply because I didn't feel like it. I fear my to-do list from this day that has grown longer because of what I didn't do yesterday. I'm ashamed of the things that I simply forgot to do and now add more to today's list. And the cycle of it all just makes me sad.
I believe emotions are not to be ignored. Sometimes we need to evict them from our hearts and heads, but we need to acknowledge their existence at the very least. If these emotions are made of total BS, we can just serve them notice and they will usually comply. Sometimes, though, we have to walk them out, hand-in-hand. This means developing a relationship with those emotions, showing them respect while asking them to leave. In order to develop that relationship, we have to discover how they came to take up residence and the purpose they are supposed to serve. For these kinds of emotions, simply kicking them out will only ensure their return to our heart's doorstep.
Okay enough of that lousy analogy.
Since I've been hating mornings for a week or so, I know I need to figure out where these emotions are coming from and I need to discern their purpose. I need to find a way to get more things done or to just let them go. I need to find a way to remember to do the things I actually want to do.
Hopefully clarity and inspiration are in my stocking for Christmas this year.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Go!